Stock up on canned food, pasta, and water guys – the zombie apocalypse is upon us.
How else could you explain this bizarre week of cannibalism and self-mutilation?
By now I’m sure you’ve heard of 31-year-old Rudy Eugene from South Beach who mauled and ate most of homeless Ronald Poppo’s face. Side note: Poppo had roots in NYC – he graduated from Stuyvesant High School. Learn from this, kids.
This prompted the hipsters who run Do or Dine in Bed-Stuy to concoct the “Miami Openface with Smoked ‘Bath Salts’” – a Cuban sandwich on one slice of bread with salt on the side. The bath salts refer to the LSD that was the hypothetical cause of Eugene’s cannibalism. The proprietors say they were simply trying to be like The Onion.
A few days later, 43-year-old Wayne Carter of Hackensack stabbed himself 50 times and threw his own skin and intestines at police officers as they tried to subdue him.
Today, 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua, a college student from Maryland, admitted to dismembering his father’s friend and eating his heart and portions of his brain.
All the news reports insinuate that drug use, psychosis, and “troubled times” are the reason behind this zombie-like behavior. But you and me – we know better. The zombie apocalypse is imminent and you would do well to be prepared.
Our pantry is well stocked with canned chicken noodle soup, pasta, and pasta sauce. What about yours? I can assure you it won’t be like The Walking Dead, where food, clean water, guns, ammunition, new cars, and gas are magically supplied infinitely. Unlike Lori, you will have to actually work to survive and should probably watch your kids for more than one minute at a time.
The Walking Dead is a far cry from a zombie apocalypse survival guide, which makes it that much more pointless. 28 Days Later will serve you better and at least Simon Pegg is in Shaun of the Dead.
But I digress.
What do you make of this week’s cannibalistic events?